I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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