He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
