well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
