Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We need to get me chipped asap
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