Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
