sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
