When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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