you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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