no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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