I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
