**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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