The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
