Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
