Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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