I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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