he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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