This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
