I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
