i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
