i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
