She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
