The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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