So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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