I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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