Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
