I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
