am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I checked into jail on foursquare
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
