i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
