I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
