Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
