just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
