dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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