the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
