I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
