My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
