Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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