look no pants
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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