life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
