the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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