my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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