even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
