Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
