anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
