i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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