you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
