maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
