Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
