In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My cat gives me a boner
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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