I want to make a zoo with you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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