I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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